Cashin'-in the Family Jewels

Recently, a friend mentioned she is neutering her male puppy. Since her husband is a friend of mine, I hoped for his sake she was referring to the dog ...

- doesn't matter if it's a gnat, a dog, or a fellow human being, most men wince whenever the topic of castration rears its ugly head. It's only natural, after all. We were born with those dangling nuggets of fascination, and would feel like less of ourselves if they were somehow neutralized, or, heaven forbid, removed.

Oh sure, neutering a dog eliminates the risk of producing unwanted puppies, but some people use this procedure to control behavior as well. Is your dog too aggressive? Neuter him. Is your dog trying to impose his dominance on your chinos? Neuter him. Does he jump up too much? Neuter him. Does he bark? Neuter him. Does he seem to actually give a shit about anything? Neuter him. In short, if you want your dog to act like you bought him at Build-A-Bear, neuter him.

This attempt to modify behavior isn't exclusive to dogs, either. Historically, human beings have also been castrated in an attempt to make the male subject better-equipped for a particular task.

Ever hear of a eunuch? These poor bastards sacrificed their manhood so they could guard harems. That's right. The resident kingpin had a bevy of wives for his fornicating pleasure, and the eunuchs got clipped so they could be trusted to stand guard, and not succumb to any sexual temptations. I don't care what you do for a living, that guy has you beat on the shitty-job-continuum.

How about the castrati? In the old days, women weren't allowed to sing in church, so young boys with angelic voices would get snipped so they could continue to sing the upper register into their adulthood. Of course, those young boys weren't making those decisions for themselves, some adult did them that favor.

This is ancient history, though. Right? Society has evolved too far for this to be a modern problem. Well, not so fast. Alessandro Moreschi, the last eunuch in the Sistine Chapel choir, expired in 1922. That was less than a hundred years ago ...

I look at my young sons, and imagine someone asking me if I'd like to donate their gonads for the sake of this year's Christmas pageant, and I believe, without too much hesitation, I'd reply: "are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!!" What sort of nut-case agrees to this sort of proposition?

So that brings us back to the big question: when is the right time to neuter someone or something?

First of all, I don't think castration and behavior modification should ever be used in the same paragraph. If you need to get someone or something to behave differently, try training them or getting them therapy. Keep the sharp implements away from the family jewels, okay?

That said, practically speaking, I suppose it's responsible to neuter a dog or cat so they don't overpopulate the world, but boy, even as I write this, I can't help but think how happy I am that WE'RE not THEIR pets ...