Well, there go my plans for New Year's Eve, 2012

Have you read anything about the apocalyptic predictions for December 21, 2012? Apparently, depending upon which experts you believe, millions of people from the Mayans to the Mormons believe the end is nigh. I'm sure, if we mis-study some of Nostrodamus' writings, we can even find references to his prediction of the end occurring in 2012. We can probably also find references to 2-for-1 Slurpees at 7-11. Nostradamus' predictions seem to be fodder for some pretty open interpretations.

I love Cherry Slurpees, but that's not important right now.

Of course, there are many conflicting opinions about this (the 2012 thing, not Cherry Slurpees. The inherent goodness of Cherry Slurpees is sacrosanct). For validation, we need look no further than Dan Aykroyd (aka: Elwood Blues).

According to "december212012.com," Aykroyd believes "the UFO phenomenon is going to figure greatly" in a 2012 "revelation," when "the end of the world will come."

"It won't be the end of the world physically as we know it, as depicted in the movie (sic: "2012"). But it will be the end of consciousness and the end of perception as we know it."

This must be true, after all, Aykroyd imparted this wisdom while autographing bottles of his home-brew (Crystal Head Vodka) at an Albertson's supermarket in Vegas. I'm not making this up.

Other credible celebrities share Aykroyd's beliefs: Lil' Wayne, the Smashing Pumpkins, Woody Harrelson, Jesse Ventura, Janeane Garafolo, Shirley McLaine, Joe Rogan, Mel Gibson, Darren Daulton and some guy named Canibus. There's some serious intellectual horsepower here, and no one anyone would ever refer to as a "crackpot" ... maybe I should delete this paragraph.

The sad fact here is, if the world is going to end on December 21, 2012, we're going to need to seriously reassess our lives. I'm not talking about going back to church, or being a better person, or not kicking the dog, or anything ridiculous like that. I'm referring to practical issues, here.

For example, what the hell good is a tax-deferred retirement account at that point? With my luck, my 401K will finally break even from the tech-bust of 2000 five minutes before the bright, life-ending flash of light ignites my monthly statement! And no, I'm not paperless. Frankly, screw the trees. They're all going to die in two years anyway. Right?

More importantly, what are we going to do about Christmas shopping that year? It's common knowledge all the best bargains occur early in the season, but if Christmas isn't going to come in 2012, shopping early is a waste of money. And then what if the predictions are wrong? We're going to have to rush around like lunatics between the 22nd and 24th or there are going to be a lot of disappointed people come Christmas morning. What a quandary!

Don't even get me started on making dinner reservations for New Year's Eve.

Personally, I don't believe a religion, philosopher, or omniscient celebrity can predict the end of the world. In my mind, actions, not words will portend the apocalypse: the Cubs or Indians will have to win the World Series; The Maple Leafs will have to win a Stanley Cup; The Clippers will have to become NBA champions; Sarah Palin will have to be elected President, or, the most-obvious sign of all: I will have to win Powerball.

If any of these things occur, rush to your local Albertsons, eschew Dan Aykroyd's personalized bottle of hooch, and race to the aluminum foil aisle. You're going to need the whole roll to make yourself a foil football helmet!!!