It's all about the beautiful people

Anybody out there heard of Debralee Lorenzana? If not, you probably will very soon.

Apparently, Debralee is suing Citibank for firing her. Her complaint is based upon the fact that she's too sexy, and her sexiness was distracting employees of the opposite sex who couldn't work efficiently, because they were too busy thinking about sex ... and her. This brings to mind several things, not the least of which is sex.

First of all, are you freaking kidding me?

Secondly, why is she singling out male co-workers? Is she anti-lesbians?

Thirdly, who was the genius who thought up this law suit, and why hasn't that person been taken out and beaten with a large stick?

Here's a news flash. According to a recent British poll, men think about sex 5,000 times per year, or 13 times per day. And those were BRITISH guys, so normal guys probably think about it two or three times that often! Between thinking about sex, sports, our next meal, cars and, well, "stuff," the average man has maybe 3 minutes every hour to dedicate to actual work-related thought.

Face it. We're already woefully unproductive, and we don't need Debralee to make us any worse.

The sad fact here is Debralee wants us to believe she's being discriminated against because she's attractive. That's exactly wrong.

Remember those Pantene commercials in the 80s when Kelly LeBrock would sadly peer into the camera and sulk "don't hate me because I'm beautiful?" Well, being beautiful got Kelly her gigs. Why haven't we seen Kelly lately? Because she's been hanging out at Krispy Kreme, looks to be about 300 pounds, and has enough Collagen in her lips to look like she went three rounds with Mike Tyson. Kelly's next stop is on one of those celebrity-fit-camp reality TV shows. That's actually true. I'm not making that up.

In reality, being good looking means a woman is more likely to be employed, and that her wages will be greater than those of her chubby peers.

According to a Cornell University study, women are more likely to advance at work if they are more attractive, thinner, taller and have a more youthful appearance than their female colleagues. The study went on to reveal that white females who put on 64 pounds see their wages drop 9%. Of course, the study didn't mention that as their wages went down, these fat women couldn't afford to eat as much, became thinner and more attractive, and subsequently got huge raises which resulted in eating rich meals with bosses and clients, which resulted in massive weight gain, which caused pay cuts ... GOOD GOD WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?!

As if that wasn't bad enough, obese women take a TWELVE percent wage hit.

This all flies in the face of common sense, doesn't it? After all, society believes fat people are happy. Shouldn't employers prefer hiring happy people instead of sad ones? Pretty Kelly was pouty, but she got work. Fat Kelly is jolly, but she's unemployed.

Why don't employers like happy people? It's a conspiracy. Work = drudgery. If you don't look like you're already in the throws of misery, how can you possibly function as an employee?

Employers discriminate against fat people because they think they're happy, and that's inconsistent with possessing a strong work ethic. Skinny people are waifish, sullen and look like they're used to being deprived of life's simple pleasures, like food. They already grasp the basic tenets of being an employee.

Let's consider Santa Claus, shall we?

He's rotund and jolly, right? Or is he really only laughing on the outside? Isn't it more likely that Santa has food issues, and is only Santa Claus because no one would hire him? Maybe he just gives out presents because he doesn't know how else to convince people to love him. And have you noticed Santa doesn't hire tall, skinny, pretty women. He mostly hires fat, male dwarfs, and probably not out of sympathy, but because they'll work for 12% less than good looking skinny women!

Debralee should give up this law suit. Unless she finds a jury full of super-models, I don't think she's going to get a lot of sympathy from Mr. and Mrs. Spare Tire. Instead, she should enjoy the attention she believes is being showered upon her while she can still get it. Thirty years from now, she's going to look like Kelly LeBrock, and then, as she tries to shove her size 20 frame into her size 0 jeans, she'll look back on these days wistfully.