Yet Another Cleverly Concealed Conspiracy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9R-cQ_A_6w


No doubt, you have seen the video linked here from April of this year when Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) inquired whether or not adding more troops to Guam would cause it to capsize. For many, this is the definition of confusion - hysterically funny and excruciatingly sad on many levels, all at once, and sometimes for the same reason.

By my own admission, I'm no scientist. God knows, I only graduated from high school because I promised my chemistry teacher that, under no circumstances, would I ever pursue a career in the sciences, but even with my own personal ignorance clearly evidenced here, I realize islands cannot capsize because, as I vaguely recall, THEY'RE CONNECTED TO THE EARTH!!!

Maybe it's because I grew up on the East coast and visited the Jersey Shore frequently throughout my youth, but the fact that ground exists below the water line seems pretty obvious to me. Perhaps, being from Georgia, Mr. Johnson is not familiar with such technical aspects of Earth science - yes, his state borders the Atlantic Ocean, but he may not have been a beach-goer.

Regardless of Mr. Johnson's intellectual shortcomings, I applaud the Naval officer who was being questioned by Mr. Johnson, not because he knew islands can't capsize, but because he was able to respond without so much as a smirk, snicker or guffaw.

I can only imagine the training these Naval officers must endure before they can withstand the intense interrogations of Senate committee members - hours of being tied to a chair, watching the Three Stooges, Monty Python, Abbott and Costello, and Al Gore's Powerpoint, etc. How else could they spontaneously keep a straight face when asked whether or not an island can capsize???

But wait. Perhaps we're being dismissive, here. Did you happen to notice how the Admiral skirted the actual question? He said "We don't anticipate that happening," and then went right into discussing the island's population. No laughter, indeed.

Perhaps the ridiculed representative from Georgia has a point.

Maybe Guam isn't actually an island at all, and is actually some sort of secret lair for some governmental agency, or super hero league. The Admiral covered pretty quickly, but the question clearly took him off guard. Guam is probably an acronym for something ... I don't know what, but SOMETHING!

I've read enough comic books in my day to know there's always a marketing genius hiding in the wings producing brilliant acronyms, and we all know comic books are merely government leaflets created to distract us from the reality of the existence of superior beings.

Put on your aluminum foil hats, my friends, a dangerous conspiracy is afoot. Our government has secret bases disguised as islands, and they're at risk of capsizing. You think that gigantic sinkhole in Guatemala is a coincidence? I think not. It's probably just the entrance to yet another secret lair, or maybe it's a ventilation tube, or the end of a really large trumpet. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

Good for you, Senator Johnson. Many may think you use the nickname Hank instead of Henry because multi-syllabic words confuse you, but we know better. You're exposing military secrets, and we owe a debt of thanks to you. Neither you, nor I will be surprised when Guam capsizes one of these days, just as we weren't surprised when Mt St Helens exploded 30 years ago. Oh yeah. That was a natural phenomenon. Sure it was.